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naerynne

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Here We Go Again! [Apr. 18th, 2010|11:03 pm]
naerynne
[Current Mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[Current Music |Erwin Beekveld - They're Taking the Hobbits to Isengard]

Huh. Well, it has been some time, hasn't it?

Well, I intend to start updating again. However, I am rededicating this journal to a new purpose:

Ranting.

Because we all have those stupid little things we come across from day to day that are nothing more than deeply, incredibly stupid. So, rather than talking the ears off one friend after another, I have brought my soapboxes here, to reclaim my former den of emo-gasms and put it to this new purpose.

Also, I'm hoping my website starts getting more traffic, so I should probably have a greater general presence on the internets.
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(no subject) [May. 2nd, 2008|08:01 pm]
naerynne
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(no subject) [Feb. 3rd, 2008|12:46 pm]
naerynne
[Current Mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[Current Music |Cher - Heart of Stone]

Beneath the white fire of the mooon
Love's wings are broken all too soon
We never learn,
Hurt together, hurt alone
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
A heart of stone

We turn the wheel and break the chain
Put steel to steel and laugh at pain
We're dreamers in castles made of sand
The road to Eden's overgrown
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
A heart of stone

Look at the headlines
Big crowd at the crazy house
Long queue for the joker's shoes
Ten rounds in the ring with love
Do you lose and win, or win and lose

Sweet rain like mercy in the night
(Lay me down, wash away the sorrow)
Caress my soul and set it right
(Lay me down, show me your tomorrow)
Summer tears, winter and the moment's flown
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
Made of stone

Mercy mercy, wish your heart was
A heart of stone

Get the picture
No room for the innocent
Peak season in lonely town
Knocked out of the ring by love
Are you down and up, or up and down

I asked the river for a sign
(In a dream we go on together)
How long is love supposed to shine
(In a dream diamonds are forever)
But you and I
We hurt together, hurt alone
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
A heart of stone

Mercy mercy, wish your heart was
A heart of stone
(With a heart of stone you'll be well protected)
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
Made of stone
(With a heart of stone you'll be well connected)...
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(no subject) [Feb. 1st, 2008|01:16 pm]
naerynne
[Current Mood |frustratedfrustrated]

I sit here, with a half-eaten box of my favourite cereal beside me, piles of garbage and dirty clothes all around me, and I wonder: why is it that these people have no respect for me or my personal space? Granted, some of the mess is mine, but not all. Far from all, and I'm quite sure it wouldn't even be most.

Has my environment been too relaxed, that I'm allowing them to come in and take over? I've been nice. I've made concessions to make their lives more comfortable, even buying that one, that Creature, specific things when out grocery shopping. They certainly don't seem to appreciate it. At most I get half-grunted thanks and a weak embrace that feels slimy and disgusting. What the hell is this crap?

Creature is out March 1, one way or another. And it had better stop eating my fucking cereal!
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Whitney Houston - Unbreak My Heart [Jan. 28th, 2008|03:17 pm]
naerynne
And you thought Dashboard Confessional was emo? Ain't got nothing on Whitney, babe!

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take the tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my

Un-break my heart
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on
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Creature [Jan. 28th, 2008|02:54 pm]
naerynne
[Current Mood |irritatedirritated]
[Current Music |The Dresden Dolls - Sing]

So, the one that I want to have stick around has left, and the one whose very existence is an annoying irritant is still here. Perhaps some of it is my fault, in fact, that wouldn't surprise me in the least. Yet I can't believe that I'm purely responsible for driving her away; were that the case, I doubt I'd still be in frequent contact with her.

I blame the one I have now dubbed 'Creature'. No longer quite human, certainly not humane - and I've already got a Monster. Besides, Creature is so much creepier, the sound of the word almost makes your spine twitch... and so does the person.

Lying there, half asleep, watching tv, with an overinflated sense of entitlement. Creature acts as if everything in this place belongs to her.

It's kind of sad that one whom I once loved I am now disgusted to even be in the same room with. I want Creature gone. I'm starting to not even care how much I piss off or hurt the rest of the world, I just want that thing out of my home. It's gone tonight, and I'm half tempted to gather all of it's things up, throw them together and when it comes back tomorrow, tell it to take it's things and leave.

And there's still this voice telling me that Creature isn't the only one lying to me, and no one is telling me anything even close to the truth.
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The Good Daughter [May. 19th, 2007|06:11 pm]
naerynne
[Current Mood |depressedsuicidal]
[Current Music |Evanescence - Lies]

Well, I feel like utter and complete shit right now. I was stupid and forgot about something that I submitted for posting on a website titled Self Injury: A Struggle three years ago. It has some rather... negative stuff in it about my mother and a few others.

Much of it isn't true. I thought it was all true at the time, but opinions change, realizations come with maturity, and all that stuff. But, see, she and I are both part of a meetup group; it's run off a website called meetup.com. In my initial post there, I told everyone that they could google my pseudonym - Naeryn - and find a bunch of stuff on me, about me, from me, online. I didn't realize, having forgotten about the posting, that that stupid thing would show up too.

So, Mum read it. Now she wants to stop going to the group, because she thinks they'll think badly of her because of what I wrote. She's really hurt right now, probably beating herself up a little, and thinking... I don't even know what.

I can't even take the bloody thing down, only the webmistress has access and I don't even *remember* the email address I had back then, or the password, so I couldn't verify my identity. Gods, I feel so stupid. I want to do some serious damage to myself right now. I think the only reason I'm *not* is because the sharpest thing I own is a safety pin, and that's... well, unsatisfying.

Much as the intellectual side of me knows that's not the case, I'm really feeling like my very existence is just hurting people. I'm terrified to be alone right now, because I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't really want to be with anyone, because I don't feel like I deserve sympathy, and I know I'll get that from anyone I may seek out - Kat, Shane, Niki...

I posted again on meetup.com, explaining that I was utterly screwed up at the time of that posting, had a very 'the world is out to get me' sort of outlook, and I've realized since then that much of that stuff is blatantly false; I simply didn't quite see that at the time. I told them they shouldn't think poorly of my mother for any of it, and if they had to think badly of anyone, it should be me, as I'm the one that posted that bullshit.

I don't know if that's going to convince Mum that she should go back to the meetup group; I know she gets a lot of benefit out of it and I don't want to ruin that for her. I really should have just not said a damned thing. Just kept my nose out of it.

I think, for the first time in a long while, I honestly and truly want to die right now.
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Fucking A [May. 7th, 2007|01:48 am]
naerynne
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]
[Current Music |Cher - The Shoop Shoop Song (It's In His Kiss)]

Well isn't this just lovely? You know, up until I met Kaie, virtually no one was attracted to me. Like, at all. There was only Tass, and much as I love the girl, that *was* just online. What she saw of me was carefully posed pictures, most of them photoshopped to remove blemishes.

Now, suddenly, things are getting goddamn confusing.

On the one hand, there's a girl I want to date. I know she likes me, she's just nervous to get into a relationship with me because of certain aspects of her personal history. I can understand that completely, and I don't want to pressure her in the least. The way I see it, if she's worth my time to actually date, she's worth waiting for.

However, she's got this one guy all over her, and she's doing nothing to... discourage him, per se. I know she likes me, but I think she likes him too, and it's really thrown me for a loop - largely because I've invested so much time in getting her to open up, caring about her, taking care of her, and he seems to be the one reaping the benefits. While not generally given to extreme jealousy, I really wanted to push this guy away and 'claim' her - which would not have been cool and would have been pushing many, many boundaries, which is why I didn't do it. But I wanted to.

On the other hand, there's a woman who really likes me. I mean, really, really likes me. She's got to in order for a... what, thirty? year old woman to actually pick up the phone, make as if to dial a number, and hang up before she can. Especially this particular woman. There is absolutely no mistake that I'm attracted to her as well; she's absolutely gorgeous. Not to mention, she's an absolute sweetheart. That, and I could be in a relationship now - and I'm bloody tired of being single.

But she's in an open marriage, meaning that if we were to start dating, it could never go anywhere. I could never follow the path that I want to with her. I can't do the whole marriage and kids thing; it wouldn't work.

So what the bloody hell am I supposed to do? I like both of them; part of me even wants to be with both of them. On the one hand, I have no real forseeable future with the older woman, but I may not even have a present with the girl.

I'm bloody lost and confused, and don't know what to do.
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I've Officially Lost It [Apr. 28th, 2007|11:35 pm]
naerynne
[Current Mood |sadremorseful]
[Current Music |Evanescence - Fields of Innocence]

I've just done what was either the single smartest or single dumbest thing I've ever done. I don't know yet.

Yep, that's right. I emailed Tass. I sent my ex girlfriend, my first girlfriend, an email - in the midst of a not-drunk-but-definitely-intoxicated stupor. Apparently rum affects me more than I thought it would. Among horrible misspellings and the worst grammar I think I'm capable of, I told her that I'm sorry - in Japanese - and that I still love her.

True, but still. Could I possibly have done anything more asinine? She's either going to send me an angry email in reply, send me a joyful-but-confused email in reply, or ignore me entirely. Or, she's changed her email address in the past six months and I no longer have any chance of ever getting in touch with her again.

See, I know that I still love her. There is no denying this. I never stopped loving her; she is sweet, and beautiful, and everything I've dreamed of in a woman. I was a bloody idiot to ever break up with her in the first place, and hindsight has shown me that it was only because of my own stupid fear that I did. I know that now, with the changes I've gone through and the like, I could be what she needs, if she would let me.

Of course, the chances of her ever letting me are REALLY, REALLY SLIM. And I don't blame her for that in the least. Not even a little, tiny, itty bitty bit. Doesn't mean I don't wish she would.

I had a dream last night. I grew wings and flew to her house. Midday, I knocked on her door, and she answered. I took her with me to the top of a mountain and showed her a beautiful view. Then, while she was looking away, I dropped to one knee. She turned to face me and I - crying the whole time - asked her if she could ever forgive me, if she could ever consider giving me a second chance.

And she said yes.

I told her - actually, a combination of her and one of her friends, who told me she'd have to kill me if I ever hurt Tass - that if I ever hurt her, I would be crawling on hands and knees through hot coals and broken glass to apologize and beg her forgiveness.

You know, I would. If she asked it of me, I would do it. In a heartbeat.
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It's Just the Way the Medication Makes Her [Apr. 11th, 2007|02:00 am]
naerynne
[Current Mood |melancholymelancholy]
[Current Music |The Dresden Dolls - Girl Anachronism]

Yes, that's a line from a song by the Dresden Dolls (Girl Anachronism. Great song).

Well don't I feel just lovely right now? I don't know *what* possessed me to do this, what power convinced me that it was a good idea, but I just went through a few of my old school records.

I think I made it to my grade four second term report card before breaking down. I didn't realize, I suppose, how stressful it would be for me.

It's kind of funny. The papers sent home to my mother from preschool were great. All about how I was adapting well to a classroom setting and all that. Then in kindergarten, it says that I need to involve myself more with the other students. In grade one, it says that my hyperactivity has settled down because of the medication. In grade two, my grades dropped and I was late for class several times. In grade three, I started hiding out in the bathroom or the back of the stacks in the library at lunch. Teachers report that kind of thing, apparently.

In grade four, I was tested for the challenge program for gifted students. Apparently I was also tested in grade two, but 'did not score well'. However, two years later, I settled down and was more able to apply myself. Because of the medication. Had nothing to do with the difference of two years in age (at such a young age, two years is a hell of a lot!). In grade four, my emotional and psychological development was considered 'unsatisfactory'. In grade four, I started failing tests. In grade four, I started running away from everything.

Christ, I'd forgotten what a pathetic and depressingly medicated childhood I had. I'm beginning to feel like they really didn't appreciate me at all. Everything I did wrong was credited to me (or my mother's bad parenting, of course) and everything I did right was credited to that goddamn little blue pill.

If I was antsy in class, it wasn't because the material being taught was fucking boring. It was obviously because I had missed a dose of ritalin somewhere along the line.

To say nothing of the fact that teachers? Not nearly so observant as they should be. Otherwise they'd have realized that there are only so many times that a kid can accidentally break her own glasses. Once a week is a bit more than most kids could manage. Other kids, however, can break some geek's glasses however often they want.

And this is turning REALLY goddamn ranty, so I'm just going to stop here.

I hope Emma comes online soon...
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