Shining

naerynne @ 2008-05-02T20:01:00

2008-05-03T03:02:56Z

naerynne @ 2008-02-03T12:46:00

2008-02-03T20:53:23Z

Beneath the white fire of the mooon
Love's wings are broken all too soon
We never learn,
Hurt together, hurt alone
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
A heart of stone

We turn the wheel and break the chain
Put steel to steel and laugh at pain
We're dreamers in castles made of sand
The road to Eden's overgrown
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
A heart of stone

Look at the headlines
Big crowd at the crazy house
Long queue for the joker's shoes
Ten rounds in the ring with love
Do you lose and win, or win and lose

Sweet rain like mercy in the night
(Lay me down, wash away the sorrow)
Caress my soul and set it right
(Lay me down, show me your tomorrow)
Summer tears, winter and the moment's flown
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
Made of stone

Mercy mercy, wish your heart was
A heart of stone

Get the picture
No room for the innocent
Peak season in lonely town
Knocked out of the ring by love
Are you down and up, or up and down

I asked the river for a sign
(In a dream we go on together)
How long is love supposed to shine
(In a dream diamonds are forever)
But you and I
We hurt together, hurt alone
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
A heart of stone

Mercy mercy, wish your heart was
A heart of stone
(With a heart of stone you'll be well protected)
Don't you sometimes wish your heart was
Made of stone
(With a heart of stone you'll be well connected)...

naerynne @ 2008-02-01T13:16:00

2008-02-01T21:24:54Z

I sit here, with a half-eaten box of my favourite cereal beside me, piles of garbage and dirty clothes all around me, and I wonder: why is it that these people have no respect for me or my personal space? Granted, some of the mess is mine, but not all. Far from all, and I'm quite sure it wouldn't even be most.

Has my environment been too relaxed, that I'm allowing them to come in and take over? I've been nice. I've made concessions to make their lives more comfortable, even buying that one, that Creature, specific things when out grocery shopping. They certainly don't seem to appreciate it. At most I get half-grunted thanks and a weak embrace that feels slimy and disgusting. What the hell is this crap?

Creature is out March 1, one way or another. And it had better stop eating my fucking cereal!

Whitney Houston - Unbreak My Heart

2008-01-28T23:20:58Z

And you thought Dashboard Confessional was emo? Ain't got nothing on Whitney, babe!

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take the tears away
I need your arms to hold me now
The nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Take back that sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don't leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
I can't forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
My heart

Don't leave me in all this pain
Don't leave me out in the rain
Bring back the nights when I held you beside me

Un-break my heart
Say you'll love me again
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked outta my life
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many, many nights
Un-break my

Un-break my heart
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart
Sweet darlin'
Without you I just can't go on
Can't go on

Creature

2008-01-28T23:08:46Z

So, the one that I want to have stick around has left, and the one whose very existence is an annoying irritant is still here. Perhaps some of it is my fault, in fact, that wouldn't surprise me in the least. Yet I can't believe that I'm purely responsible for driving her away; were that the case, I doubt I'd still be in frequent contact with her.

I blame the one I have now dubbed 'Creature'. No longer quite human, certainly not humane - and I've already got a Monster. Besides, Creature is so much creepier, the sound of the word almost makes your spine twitch... and so does the person.

Lying there, half asleep, watching tv, with an overinflated sense of entitlement. Creature acts as if everything in this place belongs to her.

It's kind of sad that one whom I once loved I am now disgusted to even be in the same room with. I want Creature gone. I'm starting to not even care how much I piss off or hurt the rest of the world, I just want that thing out of my home. It's gone tonight, and I'm half tempted to gather all of it's things up, throw them together and when it comes back tomorrow, tell it to take it's things and leave.

And there's still this voice telling me that Creature isn't the only one lying to me, and no one is telling me anything even close to the truth.

The Good Daughter

2007-05-20T01:17:07Z

Well, I feel like utter and complete shit right now. I was stupid and forgot about something that I submitted for posting on a website titled Self Injury: A Struggle three years ago. It has some rather... negative stuff in it about my mother and a few others.

Much of it isn't true. I thought it was all true at the time, but opinions change, realizations come with maturity, and all that stuff. But, see, she and I are both part of a meetup group; it's run off a website called meetup.com. In my initial post there, I told everyone that they could google my pseudonym - Naeryn - and find a bunch of stuff on me, about me, from me, online. I didn't realize, having forgotten about the posting, that that stupid thing would show up too.

So, Mum read it. Now she wants to stop going to the group, because she thinks they'll think badly of her because of what I wrote. She's really hurt right now, probably beating herself up a little, and thinking... I don't even know what.

I can't even take the bloody thing down, only the webmistress has access and I don't even *remember* the email address I had back then, or the password, so I couldn't verify my identity. Gods, I feel so stupid. I want to do some serious damage to myself right now. I think the only reason I'm *not* is because the sharpest thing I own is a safety pin, and that's... well, unsatisfying.

Much as the intellectual side of me knows that's not the case, I'm really feeling like my very existence is just hurting people. I'm terrified to be alone right now, because I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't really want to be with anyone, because I don't feel like I deserve sympathy, and I know I'll get that from anyone I may seek out - Kat, Shane, Niki...

I posted again on meetup.com, explaining that I was utterly screwed up at the time of that posting, had a very 'the world is out to get me' sort of outlook, and I've realized since then that much of that stuff is blatantly false; I simply didn't quite see that at the time. I told them they shouldn't think poorly of my mother for any of it, and if they had to think badly of anyone, it should be me, as I'm the one that posted that bullshit.

I don't know if that's going to convince Mum that she should go back to the meetup group; I know she gets a lot of benefit out of it and I don't want to ruin that for her. I really should have just not said a damned thing. Just kept my nose out of it.

I think, for the first time in a long while, I honestly and truly want to die right now.

Fucking A

2007-05-07T08:59:10Z

Well isn't this just lovely? You know, up until I met Kaie, virtually no one was attracted to me. Like, at all. There was only Tass, and much as I love the girl, that *was* just online. What she saw of me was carefully posed pictures, most of them photoshopped to remove blemishes.

Now, suddenly, things are getting goddamn confusing.

On the one hand, there's a girl I want to date. I know she likes me, she's just nervous to get into a relationship with me because of certain aspects of her personal history. I can understand that completely, and I don't want to pressure her in the least. The way I see it, if she's worth my time to actually date, she's worth waiting for.

However, she's got this one guy all over her, and she's doing nothing to... discourage him, per se. I know she likes me, but I think she likes him too, and it's really thrown me for a loop - largely because I've invested so much time in getting her to open up, caring about her, taking care of her, and he seems to be the one reaping the benefits. While not generally given to extreme jealousy, I really wanted to push this guy away and 'claim' her - which would not have been cool and would have been pushing many, many boundaries, which is why I didn't do it. But I wanted to.

On the other hand, there's a woman who really likes me. I mean, really, really likes me. She's got to in order for a... what, thirty? year old woman to actually pick up the phone, make as if to dial a number, and hang up before she can. Especially this particular woman. There is absolutely no mistake that I'm attracted to her as well; she's absolutely gorgeous. Not to mention, she's an absolute sweetheart. That, and I could be in a relationship now - and I'm bloody tired of being single.

But she's in an open marriage, meaning that if we were to start dating, it could never go anywhere. I could never follow the path that I want to with her. I can't do the whole marriage and kids thing; it wouldn't work.

So what the bloody hell am I supposed to do? I like both of them; part of me even wants to be with both of them. On the one hand, I have no real forseeable future with the older woman, but I may not even have a present with the girl.

I'm bloody lost and confused, and don't know what to do.

I've Officially Lost It

2007-04-29T06:41:17Z

I've just done what was either the single smartest or single dumbest thing I've ever done. I don't know yet.

Yep, that's right. I emailed Tass. I sent my ex girlfriend, my first girlfriend, an email - in the midst of a not-drunk-but-definitely-intoxicated stupor. Apparently rum affects me more than I thought it would. Among horrible misspellings and the worst grammar I think I'm capable of, I told her that I'm sorry - in Japanese - and that I still love her.

True, but still. Could I possibly have done anything more asinine? She's either going to send me an angry email in reply, send me a joyful-but-confused email in reply, or ignore me entirely. Or, she's changed her email address in the past six months and I no longer have any chance of ever getting in touch with her again.

See, I know that I still love her. There is no denying this. I never stopped loving her; she is sweet, and beautiful, and everything I've dreamed of in a woman. I was a bloody idiot to ever break up with her in the first place, and hindsight has shown me that it was only because of my own stupid fear that I did. I know that now, with the changes I've gone through and the like, I could be what she needs, if she would let me.

Of course, the chances of her ever letting me are REALLY, REALLY SLIM. And I don't blame her for that in the least. Not even a little, tiny, itty bitty bit. Doesn't mean I don't wish she would.

I had a dream last night. I grew wings and flew to her house. Midday, I knocked on her door, and she answered. I took her with me to the top of a mountain and showed her a beautiful view. Then, while she was looking away, I dropped to one knee. She turned to face me and I - crying the whole time - asked her if she could ever forgive me, if she could ever consider giving me a second chance.

And she said yes.

I told her - actually, a combination of her and one of her friends, who told me she'd have to kill me if I ever hurt Tass - that if I ever hurt her, I would be crawling on hands and knees through hot coals and broken glass to apologize and beg her forgiveness.

You know, I would. If she asked it of me, I would do it. In a heartbeat.

It's Just the Way the Medication Makes Her

2007-04-11T09:09:47Z

Yes, that's a line from a song by the Dresden Dolls (Girl Anachronism. Great song).

Well don't I feel just lovely right now? I don't know *what* possessed me to do this, what power convinced me that it was a good idea, but I just went through a few of my old school records.

I think I made it to my grade four second term report card before breaking down. I didn't realize, I suppose, how stressful it would be for me.

It's kind of funny. The papers sent home to my mother from preschool were great. All about how I was adapting well to a classroom setting and all that. Then in kindergarten, it says that I need to involve myself more with the other students. In grade one, it says that my hyperactivity has settled down because of the medication. In grade two, my grades dropped and I was late for class several times. In grade three, I started hiding out in the bathroom or the back of the stacks in the library at lunch. Teachers report that kind of thing, apparently.

In grade four, I was tested for the challenge program for gifted students. Apparently I was also tested in grade two, but 'did not score well'. However, two years later, I settled down and was more able to apply myself. Because of the medication. Had nothing to do with the difference of two years in age (at such a young age, two years is a hell of a lot!). In grade four, my emotional and psychological development was considered 'unsatisfactory'. In grade four, I started failing tests. In grade four, I started running away from everything.

Christ, I'd forgotten what a pathetic and depressingly medicated childhood I had. I'm beginning to feel like they really didn't appreciate me at all. Everything I did wrong was credited to me (or my mother's bad parenting, of course) and everything I did right was credited to that goddamn little blue pill.

If I was antsy in class, it wasn't because the material being taught was fucking boring. It was obviously because I had missed a dose of ritalin somewhere along the line.

To say nothing of the fact that teachers? Not nearly so observant as they should be. Otherwise they'd have realized that there are only so many times that a kid can accidentally break her own glasses. Once a week is a bit more than most kids could manage. Other kids, however, can break some geek's glasses however often they want.

And this is turning REALLY goddamn ranty, so I'm just going to stop here.

I hope Emma comes online soon...

Unrequited

2007-02-18T22:11:29Z

So, I'm sitting here at home, bawling my eyes out. I'm so fucking tired of this. I hate knowing that I love her and knowing that she does not and will not love me. I hate knowing that it's hopeless. I can't stand the knowledge that she loves someone else. It feels like someone's ramming a knife into my gut.

Went to a rave last night, with her. I went home early. She came home at 11 this morning, bringing Aja with her. I left so they could talk - not happily, but whatever - and I come back to find her on top of Aja, in a rather compromising position. Still fully clothed, but... I can't say it didn't hurt. And in MY bed! I asked what they'd gotten up to, and her response was, "Talked, laughed, teased the crap out of each other." That disgusts me. I feel like I should burn my sheets.

The really fucked up thing is that I'm terrified of them becoming close again. Not just because Aja hurts her, or because she does too much and doesn't know when to stop, when it comes to Aja. But because I feel like if they start becoming friendly again, they'll get back together. And I'll lose her.

Why is that fucked up? She's not mine now. She never was.

I hate feeling like this. I hate loving someone to whom I mean little, or nothing. And above all, I hate hating myself for something I can't even fucking control - much as I wish I could! And I fucking hate that I have to fight the urge, right now, to go into the bathroom and slice my wrists open. I thought I was past that. I tried, so hard. And all I want to do right now is give up.

And I feel like enough of a bitch that I want Kaie to be the one to find me.

Unattainables?

2007-02-12T04:57:48Z

I need a good, stiff drink.

Why must I always pick the ones who want nothing to do with me that way? Why must I always find myself in love with someone to whom I am merely the "friend"? Kaie... yeah, we were together. But that's over. She is not in love with me anymore, and, I have since realized, never was - not the way I thought, not the way I was. And I, of course, still love her as much as I ever did.

Lendel... I fill in that awkward position of "that chick who's one of the guys" for him. Sure, he'd probably fuck me at some point, but a relationship? Right now, we're on MSN, and he's talking about some chick in Kentucky that he thinks he's falling in love with. Every word feels like a fucking knife in my gut.

There have been three people I've loved this way. One of them, I foolishly threw away, and I have never ceased regretting that. The second threw me away, and made me understand exactly what I did to Tass. The third... what can I say?

He's never even seen me in the first place.

Not as I am.

Not as a woman.

Not as someone who's in love with him.

Despite the fact that I have no way to get up there, I'm seriously pondering calling Shane and seeing if I can stay at Niki's tonight. I feel like shit. It's probably not a good idea for me to be alone right now.

Goddamn romantic angst. That's what always does it for me, hmm? What always sends me crying for my own blood again. I don't feel that I need to be with someone to be of any worth, or any bullshit like that. At the same time, however, it would be nice to be appreciated... that way. To feel wanted.

Instead of like some klutzy oaf.

Fucked Up Nae-Logic

2007-01-17T23:52:43Z

Kaie told me something interesting the other day. It is her belief that I believe that I am perfect, on a purely subconscious level.

WTF?!

Yes, dear. I'm perfect! That's why I've spent half my life slicing myself open, contemplating how to end said life, vomiting, not eating, binging, and so on and so forth. WOW, that sounded incredibly goddamn emo.

No, that's not it - I don't think I'm perfect. However, she was right in one sense: perfection does occupy a large portion of my mind. Not because I believe that I am perfect, but because I believe that I'm supposed to be. Not to put the blame on anyone else, but the root of that is my sister. She's always appeared to be perfect, or as near to it as possible:
She's incredibly athletic, without having no boobs or hips or so on. She's very attractive. While by no means a genius, she's certainly not lacking in intelligence - she's in the Criminology department at Malaspina college/university. She's always been quite popular, but at the same time, has never been one of the "popular girls" who looks down their nose at the rest of the world, or picks on those not so fortunate.

I've grown up with this, having my social difficulties, having glasses and being awkward and not athletic. Being too damned smart for my own good, so that I got picked on. And at the same time, not nearly smart enough - so that I got picked on. I was the smartest idiot in school. I've always been the one being looked down on.

I'm not saying it's her fault. I'm not sure that it's anyone's "fault", even mine, though if there were blame, it would have to go on me: I was the one who interpereted circumstances to worsen my own condition; I was the one who dwelt on what I wasn't and what I couldn't do and be, rather than what I was and what I could do. I strive for perfection. Because of the way I grew up, and the way I percieved what was going on around me, I grew to view myself as intrinsically less than everyone else. Therefore, I need to be better than everyone in order to be equal to anyone - if that makes any sense at all. Some of that has changed...

But in a way, that's screwed me up even more, because now I feel that I'm better than some people, but still intrinsically less than everyone. So I'm better than you because I'm smarter, because I have this experience, or that trait, but I'm worse than you by virtue of being me. My brain is bloody confusing!

Either way, I suppose it's good that she said what she said. It's helped me figure myself out a bit. Though I do think she could have said it, perhaps a bit more tactfully.

In essence, I feel, not that I am perfect, but that I need to be. If you are good at drawing, but nothing else, and so-and-so over there is good at math, but nothing else, I need to be good at both, to be the equal of either one of you.

And yes, I know that's completely fucked up Nae-logic that doesn't hold with people-logic. But whatever. We're working on that.

Revelations

2007-01-05T20:30:03Z

Okay... so this update is going to have a bit of an overload of information. First of all, a couple of days before New Year's, I moved into my new place. Yay! Things are not going entirely as planned, but, what the fuck ever. It really doesn't matter; I have a place to live that isn't sidewalk. All is good.

'cept, of course, that I'm sick. Thought it was just a bad cold, but I went to the clinic and found out, nope - it's strep throat. Fucking lovely. I can't breathe through my nose, so my lips have become dry and chapped as all hell, and are splitting left, right and center - and that is literally. I've gone through about three boxes of kleenex, between my nose and my goddamn eyes that won't stop watering. My throat hurts like a BITCH, and both of my ears are infected >.<

Kaie is staying with me right now. She doesn't have anywhere else to go. That's fine: I offered, she didn't ask. The irritating thing is, however, that she *still* does nothing but sit on the goddamn computer all day. Know what she does? She plays solitaire. Granted, solitaire can be an enjoyable, relatively mindless way to pass some time, but two hours plus? Of course, it'd probably be yet worse if we actually had internet access, or the good computer would turn on - as, for some reason, it's refusing to do.

Mostly, I'm just cranky and irritable: I haven't slept decently in... oh, four days now?

About the actual "revelations" part, the night before last, I came to some conclusions. And last night, I threw some of those conclusions out as fallacies, and replaced them with new ones. First was that I'm still in love with Kaie; I'm jealous of Aja, whom Kaie is convinced is her 'true love'; and... well, I don't fucking well remember what else I figured out.

Last night, I realized that I am jealous of Aja, but I'm not in love with Kaie, and I'm not jealous of Aja because Kaie loves her. I'm jealous of Aja because Kaie is engaging in large romantic gestures for her benefit. This is something I've never received, and have always wanted. Me being a hopeless romantic and all.

I can't think of anything else to say.

Screw you all, I hurt. ;_;

naerynne @ 2006-12-28T00:11:00

2006-12-28T08:10:19Z

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall
Pouring life down on me...

Well, it happened.

Explanation:

I was living in near bliss for two or three days, under the impression that Lendel was going to break up with his girlfriend - as he said he was quite strongly considering, was very likely, etc. - and move back to Victoria. This, he said, would most likely result in the two of us being together, in a romantic sense. As long as I didn't mind, of course.

This, naturally, made me ecstatically happy. I've been rather half in love with him for, what, three and a half years now? Well, of course, that's not going to happen. He's decided to stay with the young woman who derides him, argues with him at every turn, and refuses to 'allow' him freedom of expression. Shit, no wonder he hasn't updated his DA.

I suppose, given my relationship with Kaie, I can understand. And probably comprehend a little more fully Draeden's and Shane's frustration with my insistence on remaining with her. Which I still insist on, though I suppose there's a bit of a different nature to it... I still love her, but, she's my friend. There shall always be that little corner of my heart saying, "I wish...", but I fully understand and accept that that can't happen, and I think even if she came up to me tomorrow begging me to take her back, I would be able to say no. Which, you know - go me!

Still. In the romantic department, life's being a tad harsh with me right now.

I have an apartment, though! At least I don't have to live in that bloody, god-forsaken CLOSET anymore.

Though... the bachelors in Marcus' building really aren't much bigger >.

Dresden Dolls - Bad Habit

2006-12-21T11:48:15Z

Biting keeps your words at bay
Tending to the sores that stay
Happiness is just a gash away
When I open a familiar scar
Pain goes shooting like a star
Comfort hasn't failed to follow so far

And you might say it's self-indulgent
You might say its self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if I were to be healthy

Pens and penknives take the blame
crane my neck and scratch my name
But the ugly marks
Are worth the momentary gain
When I jab a sharpened object in
Choirs of angels seem to sing
Hymns of hate in memorandum

And you might say it's self-indulgent
And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, it's more productive
Than if I were to be happy

And sappy songs about sex and cheating
Bland accounts of two lovers meeting
Make me want to give mankind a beating

And you might say it's self-destructive
But, you see, I'd kick the bucket
Sixty times before I'd kick the habit

And as the skin rips off
I cherish the revolting thought
That even if i quit
There's not a chance in hell i'd stop
And anyone can see the signs
Mittens in the summertime
Fuck you for your pity, you are too kind

And you might say its self-inflicted
But you see that's contradictive
Why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?

And pain opinions are sitcom feeding
They dont know that their minds are teething
Makes me want to give mankind a beating

I've tried bandages and sinking
I've tried gloves and even thinking
I've tried vaseline
I've tried everything
And no-one cares if your back is bleeding
They're concerned with their hair receding
Looking back it was all maltreating
Every thought that occurred misleading

Makes me want to give myself a beating

naerynne @ 2006-12-14T15:22:00

2006-12-15T00:19:51Z

Ah, desires. I know the chances of me getting *any* of this crap is slim to nil, but... This is my Christmas wishlist. You'll see why I'm not showing it to my parents >.<

Dressed 2 Play Stretch Vinyl and Fence Net Pant Set
http://www.dressed2play.com/mc2pcsestvia.html - Black

Dressed 2 Play 2 Peice Opaque Sheer Lace-Up Front Teddy and Stocking Set
http://www.dressed2play.com/lashitof2pco.html

Dressed 2 Play Camisole with Matching Thong
http://www.dressed2play.com/no2pcsewimat.html - Small

Dressed 2 Play 2 Peice Meshed Princess Panel with Matching Panty
http://www.dressed2play.com/sm80twopimep.html - S/M

Dressed 2 Play Ribbon-Trimmed Cami-Garter and G-String Set
http://www.dressed2play.com/812pcritrcag.html - S/M

Dressed 2 Play Vintage Lined Corset Set
http://www.dressed2play.com/81beviandse2.html - Small

Dressed 2 Play Jaquered Flowered Satin Long Corset and Matching G-String
http://www.dressed2play.com/em2pcjaflsal.html - Size 34

Dressed 2 Play Stretch Velvet Strapless Bustier and Panty Set
http://www.dressed2play.com/sm80stvestbu.html - S/M

Dressed 2 Play Faux Leather Pleated Mini Skirt
http://www.dressed2play.com/lasefaleplmi.html - Small

Dressed 2 Play Buffy 5" Chunky Heel Platform Two-Toned Lace-Up Knee High Boot
http://www.dressed2play.com/555chhepltwl.html - Size 9

Dressed 2 Play Roxy 5" Boot with Side O-Rings Detailing
http://www.dressed2play.com/5inbowisi0ri.html - Size 9

Dressed 2 Play Domina 6" Pump with Interchangeable Ankle Cuffs
http://www.dressed2play.com/do6puwiinanc.html - Size 9

Dressed 2 Play 5" Spike Heel Side Lace-Up 2-Toned Thigh High Boot with Inner Zipper
http://www.dressed2play.com/se305sphesil.html - Size 9

Dressed 2 Play Leather Bustier with Rivets
http://www.dressed2play.com/lebuwiri.html - Small

Goblin and Crumb Spine Choker
http://www.goblinandcrumb.com/store/s_a_spine.htm

Goblin and Crumb Fusion Choker
http://www.goblinandcrumb.com/store/s_a_fusion.htm

If anyone, by some weirdness, actually wants to get me one of these things, let me know and I'll give you all my address and contact information >.>

Hint hint?

From XxSnuffxX

2006-12-14T12:01:36Z

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO!
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments to the entry and asks.

Taken a picture naked? Yes
Made out with a member of the same sex? Yes
Danced in front of your mirror? Yes
Told a lie? Yes
Gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes
Been in a fist fight? Yes
Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
Been arrested? Yes
Left your house without telling your parents? Yes
Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes
Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
Seen someone die? No
Kissed a picture? Yes
Slept in until 3? Yes
Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes
Played dress up? Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
Felt an earthquake? Yes
Touched a snake? Yes
Ran a red light? No
Had detention? Yes
Been in a car accident? Yes
Pole danced? Yes
Been lost? Yes
Sang karaoke? Yes
Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Kissed in the rain? Yes
Sang in the shower? Yes
Got your tongue stuck to a pole? Yes
Ever gone to school partially naked? No
Sat on a roof top? Yes
Played chicken? No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? Yes
Broken a bone? Yes
Mooned/flashed someone? Yes
Forgotten someone's name? Yes
Slept naked? Yes
Blacked out from drinking? No
Played a prank on someone? Yes
Felt like killing someone? Yes
Made a parent cry? Yes
Cried over someone? Yes
Had sex more than 5 times in one day? Yes
Had/Have a dog? No
Been in a band? Yes
Drank 25 sodas in a day? No
Shot a gun? No

naerynne @ 2006-12-12T09:23:00

2006-12-12T17:23:23Z

So, I finally got back from the hospital at 3:00 in the afternoon yesterday. As soon as I got here, I showered and then just crashed. I'm still fucking exhausted. I want to still be asleep, but I have a doctor's appointment at 11:30, to replace the pills I took last night.

They gave me charcoal at the hospital. That shit is absolutely disgusting: It is literally charcoal, ground up with water added, and they make you drink a full glass of it. I don't think I've ever wanted to vomit more in my life - and I was fucking bulimic!

I overheard a nurse and a paramedic talking about me. I knew they were discussing me, because all the beds around me were filled with older men, and they were talking about a "young woman" and "the overdose". I could understand if they were talking about, perhaps, other overdose cases, perhaps something else pertinent to my treatment. But no: they felt it absolutely necessary to contemplate just what my sexuality might be.

I wanted to yell, "Hey! I fail to see how whether I like pussy or cock has anything to do with my treatment!" I didn't. Mostly because I think the old men would have all shit themselves, and that would have made a lot more nasty work for the one nice nurse that was there. Most of them treated me exceptionally coldly after they found out why I was there.

Being alone in a hospital... that was one of the most frightening things I've ever experienced. Now I'm just tired. I just want to sleep, for hours...

naerynne @ 2006-12-11T01:36:00

2006-12-11T09:36:40Z

There's nineteen pills left.

That means I took thirty of them.

Christ, I don't know what I'm doing right now. I just want this to stop. I don't want to be homeless. I want somewhere I can be safe, is that so much to ask? I don't want to go to Manitoba: I don't want to live off of someone else's charity. Being on disability is close enough to that as it is.

I'm getting thrown out in January. But maybe not. Maybe if I take the last few pills, it'll be enough...

I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying. I think I should call Niki. Maybe she can drive me to the hospital. She should be home soon anyway.

I'm not crying. I feel like I should be, I feel like shit, but... I'm not crying. I can't. I feel... inhuman. I'm listening to Iris right now, on repeat. It's a really pretty song...

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am...

Edit: Make that thirty five pills. Fuck, I'm lost...

naerynne @ 2006-12-04T10:57:00

2006-12-04T18:57:38Z

You know what the really fucked up thing is?

All I want to do right now is take a knife to my own wrists.

I think it'd be poetic if I used the same blade she did. Especially if I succeeded.

naerynne @ 2006-12-04T09:10:00

2006-12-04T17:10:06Z

I just had the worst night of my life, and it's still going:

I spent the night at Kaie's place. Yes, Draeden, I know. However, we're going to try to work out some of our difficulties. I want to be friends with her again. Quite simply: I miss her. Don't tell me she doesn't deserve it, or anything to that effect, please. No one knows better than I what she did to me, but I've forgiven her for that.

It's over.

I've let it go. So should you.

I've realized something: I'm not over her. I'll never be over her. I love her, and I'll take this love to my grave. I'm not ready for that grave just yet, but I'm sure you understand what I mean.

She tried to kill herself at approxomately five this morning. I went to the hospital with her, went through about four cigarettes, and watched her sit there in an uncomfortable wheelchair, in some pain - though I took most of it on myself - waiting for her arm to get stitched up.

She's running off to England, the first week of January. There she will be living with an ex-military man named Karl... and dating a man named Sean.

She told me... hell, she reiterated it about five minutes ago - she loves me. A couple of days ago she said that if she found herself getting better - psychologically speaking - she would ask me to be with her again. I told her she didn't have to ask: I am and always will be hers, wholly and completely. I know no other way to be.

If she does go to England, as she says she will, I know that I will find a way to follow her. Perhaps not immediately, perhaps I won't even plan it, but I will wind up there. I just... I need to be with her, even if I wind up torturing myself by standing on the outside looking in. I can't help it.

What was that song from Grease?

Guess mine is not the first heart broken,
My eyes are not the first to cry.
I'm not the first to know there's just no getting over you.

I know I'm just a fool who's willing,
To sit around and wait for you.
But baby can't you see there's nothing else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you

But now there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside.
I'm outta my head hopelessly devoted to you,
Hopelessly devoted to you,
Hopelessly devoted to you.

My head is saying fool forget him
My heart is saying don't let go
Hold on to the end, thats what I intend to do,
I'm hopelessly devoted to you .

But now there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside.
I'm outta my head hopelessly devoted to you.
Hopelessly devoted to you,
Hopelessly devoted to you.

Or there's another one that's good:

So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a greater wave shall fall
And fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a greater wave should fall
And fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

naerynne @ 2006-11-29T16:34:00

2006-11-30T00:34:38Z

So, I'm fighting a major overload of depression right now. Thinking too much, I suppose: My brain decided to go over, today, virtually every happy memory I have involving Kaie. Lying on Draeden's couch, just waking up to her face close to mine, just watching me. It made me feel loved, appreciated.

Going for a walk through Beacon Hill Park, sitting in my tree, holding each other in the summer.

Lying together after having made love, knowing that I am wanted, that it was real.

The first time I ever saw her cry and she left bruises on my arm, because she was gripping into me so hard - because she needed me so much.

All these things, and hundreds more, keep running through my mind. Why can't I stop torturing myself with this? After everything, you would think my brain would get a clue and say, "Well, fuck that nonsense." Apparently not. She's lied to me, she's probably cheated on me, she's used me, she's quite nearly abused me, she turned me against people I loved...

So why is it that, every time I feel like this, she's still the one I want to run to? She's still the one who's arms I want to feel around me while I cry, she's still the one that I want to take care of, to have take care of me. I don't understand this.

There are other people I love, yes. Other people that, with time, I imagine could even help me get over her. Lendel comes to mind. Draeden too, in a platonic sense - I love the boy, but I couldn't love him like that. I've been thinking of him as my brother for too long for that >.< Kat, Ela, Jess... Of course, Jess is straight, Ela's straight, and Kat... well, she's still trying to convince herself that she's straight. And Lendel is both taken and in a different bloody city, off the island.

I wish someone were here, I wish I weren't alone right now. I don't know what I may do, I feel like I'm at risk. Partially to do something stupid in the "to myself" category, and partially to do something stupid involving Kaie. And, possibly, complete strangers and fucking in the snow.

Of course, I would hate myself for that later.

I'm just lost. I feel utterly betrayed. I don't love Kaie the same way I did, but there's still that history, and there's still that connection - much as I wish at times that I could break it. I haven't spoken to her in... what, two weeks? I think I'm going through withdrawal. Christ, I feel like if everything could go back to the way it was, if I could just put everything back, it would be okay.

If I could put everything back, maybe I could survive this.

And of course, I can't have anyone help me with this. What is it Nicole said last night? "Thank god we don't all have drama at the same time. That would be killer." They don't seem to realize I always have drama. It's just internal - and therefore, I hide it well. I've been doing it for years; what's a few more months until I finally cave in and take a knife to my wrists?

I want someone to save me from this. Maybe I've got a bit of a dyke-in-distress complex, I don't know, but I want someone to come in and hold me, and finally, finally let me let go. I want to be able to cry and not feel like the person I'm with wishes I would just stop. I want to be appreciated. I want to be wanted.

I want to be loved.

Stupid Bloody Instincts...

2006-11-22T14:12:39Z

I'm seriously fighting my instincts right now. My brain is telling me that what I need to do is shut off my emotions, harden my heart, not let anyone get even remotely close to me again. How else do I prevent myself from getting hurt again?

But at the same time, I want someone close. I want to be able to give my heart to someone and know, without a doubt, that they'll cherish it. And I don't want that heart to look like a bloody tree root, twisted and gnarled by hate. It's close enough to that as it is. But Gods, I don't want to be hurt again. I don't want to go through what Kaie put me through again, I honestly don't know if I can survive going through it one more time.

But does she deserve to have that power over me, too? Does what she did dictate the rest of my life? Is it even an issue, since no one appears to have the slightest romantic interest in me anyway? - they'd rather cry on my shoulder and bitch about how whomever it is they're with is mistreating them.

They do that. They come to me in tears, and I hold out my arms and they snuggle up to me. Then, when part of me is feeling happy because someone's come to me - they start talking about what their current partner has done. I've heard stories of abuse from people that I've wanted to be with. Them asking why they can't have someone who's nice, caring, who will just hold them when they're feeling bad. Then I ask them out - later, obviously - and they say, "No, you're too nice. You're more like a sister to me."

Shit, no wonder I woke up at five am this morning with a seriously depressing poem stuck in my head.

My Sister, My Lover, My Friend

2006-11-22T07:39:15Z

I've had a lot of people tell me today that I'm a wonderful person. I'm sweet, I'm caring, I'm attractive, some girl will be lucky to have me, so on and so forth. So tell me, if I'm so great, then why is it that no girl wants to have me?

I asked Jessie out today. She said, "I'm sorry, I don't see you that way." This sounds stunningly similar to what Kat said. To what everyone says. If I'm so goddamn wonderful, then why does everyone want me to be friend, not lover? I don't understand this, I'm confused. What is it about me that says to people that I, for some reason, am unfit to be a partner?

I know that I'm desirable, I trust the people who are saying these things, I know they wouldn't lie to me, especially not about that. For once in my life, I actually know that. Yet, no one desires me. At all.

Scared Shitless

2006-11-21T19:11:53Z

Well, I've made an interesting discovery:

I am no longer in love with Kaie. In fact, I haven't been for awhile. I thought I still did: Because she told me I did. I've learned the extent of her power over me, and it's frightening. I know now that, if she told me to, I would go off and kill myself without a second thought.

That knowledge, that anyone, let alone her, has that kind of power over me, frightens me. I don't like it, it makes me really nervous. I need to find a way to break that hold; I need to find away to free myself of her.

I know where it comes from, and I think that's the first step. It comes from her being my first in so many ways; the first one I fell in love with that I could physically touch, the first one I slept with, the first one I allowed myself to be vulnerable to. The first one I told everything to; that I had no secrets from. She was the first one that I allowed to know who I was, completely and utterly. I'm seriously regretting that I trusted her that much, as she quite obviously did not deserve that trust.

After speaking with Jessie the other day, I learned that Kaie attempted to sleep with her when they first met - about a month or two before Kaie and I broke up. I'm quite glad I got myself tested, despite Kaie's saying she never cheated on me. Draeden told me that when they first met, Kaie told him that she would leave me in a heartbeat, if she could be with him. I didn't quite believe him when he told me this. Now I find myself not questioning him at all.

I'm going to ask Draeden and Icarus to hold a cleansing for me. I think that may help; I remember when Icarus lost control of his serpents and they got inside the lot of us. Icarus did it by accident; I think Kaie has done something similar to me - and this time, on purpose. I'm torn between guilt, remorse, hatred, indifference, fear, and about a hundred other things at the moment. I couldn't even write this last night, I was far too shaken up.

I'll be getting my money back from Kaie.

I'll be getting my shirt back from Kaie.

And then I won't be seeing Kaie anymore, perhaps for a very long time. We'll see. Certainly not for a year or more; especially after I've gone to Manitoba. I'm most certainly going at this point. I need to get the hell away from here.